Pizza the Hut: Part Two

Alright, so yesterday you successfully made a batch of pizza dough, and now you're ready for phase two. This post will cover the next few steps involved in dough-preparation, then we move on to toppings. 

- Pull your dough out of the bowl, and plop it onto the counter (you shouldn't need flour at this stage, the oil will keep the dough from sticking). With a sharp knife or your mighty axe, cut it into 4 equal pieces. Each chunk of dough will make one sheet pan-sized pizza.

- Form each piece of dough into a ball. Each one of these balls will double in size, so once they've been formed, place them a few inches apart on the countertop and cover completely with plastic wrap or a clean tea towel. 

SIDE NOTE- If you aren't planning on making all four pizzas, you can freeze the extra dough balls! Just toss them in individual freezer bags with a little extra oil, and when you finally stop being a one-pizza wuss who knows what "moderation" and "sensible portions" are, you can thaw them in the fridge a day ahead before continuing with the steps below.

- Let those bad boys rise at room temperature for 2 hours. What are you gonna do with those 2 hours? Get your toppings ready, duh.

HINT! Depending on your oven, it could take a while to reach 550 degrees Fahrenheit. Start pre-heating at least half an hour before you're ready to bake.

We'll talk about toppings next, but first a few pointers on shaping your crust. 

- Don't use a rolling pin unless you've tried and failed to stretch the dough by hand! You don't have to toss it in the air and whirl it around, you just have to gently ease it into the shape you want.

- Ideally, you would shape your crust, top it, and slide it gracefully off a pizza peel or floured sheet pan onto the hot pizza stone already waiting in your oven. Well, if I ever manage to do as such, I'll make sure to photograph the event. If it doesn't come off the sheet pan, don't fret!

- Generously dust the back of a sheet pan with flour. 

- Pick up a ball of dough and gently pull and stretch it in all directions, turning it in your hands until it's almost the same size as the sheet pan. Gravity is your friend here...properly-made pizza dough should slowly droop out of your hands like a clock in a Dali painting.

- Place it on the pan and continue stretching it until it's thin and evenly distributed across the pan. Don't worry about making a "rim" around the edges, it'll form on its own as the pizza bakes.

- Once the dough is flattened to your satisfaction, it's time to dress it up!

Because I the photos I usually try to take of food generally do not do it justice, and because I'm usually more concerned with cooking and eating said food, don't expect any shots of glistening pepperoni or oozing cheese. Instead, here's a chart I made with a few different pizza topping combos you might like! (I make a lot of charts and spend a lot of time thinking about pizza.)

- When you're ready to bake your pizza, if you have a pizza stone then slide it directly onto the stone. If you're me, the pizza will stick to the back of the sheet pan despite all the flour, and you can just shove the whole thing in, pan and all, onto the bottom rack of your oven.

- In such a hot oven, your pizza will only take about ten minutes to bake. Set a timer for 10 minutes, then check it every minute or so after that. 

- When the cheese is bubbling and the crust is golden brown, the pizza should be done! 

- Even though it's tempting to cut into it immediately, BACK AWAY. Let it sit for a couple minutes before slicing, because otherwise the molten cheese will puddle all over the place and possibly fall into your lap. 

Enjoy your homemade pizza! That wasn't so hard, was it?  

*crickets*

Until next time, pals!

-M

Pizza The Hut: Part One

Making fantastic pizza at home is pretty simple. We live across the street from a pizza place and could easily just order up some greasy, cheesy stuff on a whim, but considering the cost of takeout vs. homemade, it's worth a little extra effort to make it at home.

It starts with the dough. You'll need to make it a day in advance, because this will allow the yeast to chill out in the dough and very slowly ferment, creating flavour that only comes with time.

Next, you'll need either a stand mixer with a dough hook, or the ability to spend ten minutes or so punching the shit out of some dough without breaking a sweat or getting sore arms. There's a technique to kneading which I'll explain as we go, but if you can do twenty push-ups no probs, kneading by hand will be easy. (We've got a KitchenAid mixer, and I can't think of anything I'd rather do less than push-ups, so I'm gonna wimp out and use the mixer.)

How hot does your oven get? You're going to want to crank it up as high as it'll go. Most home ovens will make it to 550 degrees Fahrenheit, which isn't as hot as a commercial oven but perfect for cooking at home (especially if you're anything like me and occasionally forget that you've got something in the oven because you've been looking at pictures of squirrels on the internet).

Last, but not least, the toppings. Don't overdo it! Making a pizza with six kinds of meat, five kinds of veggies,  globs of sauce and enough gooey cheese to drown an infant sounds great in theory, but your pizza will fall apart into a sloppy thing that you'll have to eat with a knife and fork (not to mention trying to scrape all the bubbled-over burnt toppings off the bottom of the oven). Further on I'll share a few topping combos that I really like.

Alright. Enough rambling! Let's make some pizza. Today's post is all about dough.


Neapolitan Pizza Dough: (from Peter Reinhart's most excellent tome, The Bread Baker's Apprentice)
*Note: this recipe makes enough for about 4 pizzas.

4 1/2 cups all-purpose or bread flour
1 3/4 tbsp salt
1 tsp (or one packet) instant yeast
1/4 cup olive oil or vegetable oil
1 3/4 cups cold water


- Stir together the dry ingredients in a mixing bowl.
- With a wooden spoon, gradually stir in the oil and water until the dough clumps together into a rough ball and the ingredients are evenly distributed.
- If you're using a stand mixer, attach the dough hook and let it do all the hard work for you, on low speed for about 7-10 minutes.
- If you're kneading the dough by hand, you're about to be rewarded for your work by my crudely-drawn diagrams!

Step 1: Place the ball of dough on a flour-dusted countertop.

Step 2: With the heel of your palm, use your left hand to push down and forward at the same time.

Step 3: Grab the far end of the dough and pull it back over itself, back into a ball.

Step 4: Repeat step 2 with your other hand, pushing it away from you then pulling it back.

The key is to alternate your arm movements, moving your left hand to the right and your right hand to the left.

When you knead dough this way, you'll end up with a heart-shaped area in the flour from moving the dough back and forth in a V-pattern.

Aww. How nice. Now keep going! You're not done kneading yet! Beat the hell out of that dough!

After about 7 or 8 minutes of kneading the dough, it should start to get softer, smoother and easier to manipulate. 

- Take a large mixing bowl and lightly oil the inside of it. 

- Take your dough and form it into a ball. Rub a little oil over it and pop it into your oiled bowl. 

- Cover tightly with plastic wrap, and stick it in the fridge until tomorrow. 

Until next time!

-M

Useless Gadgetry

This list is all about kitchen gadgets that were created by people who thought they would make cooking easier. Those people were wrong. 

1. Garlic Press:

Step one: Put garlic in press. 

Step two: Squeeze handles.

Step three: Scrape off the tiny amount of extruded garlic-goop.

Step four: Spend the next five minutes picking bits of garlic out of the inside of the press because they didn't get through the holes.

Seriously, people. Smoosh the garlic clove with the flat side of your knife, peel off the skin and chop it into bits. That's all.

2. Spaghetti Portioning Tool:

I fail to see the problem with having leftover spaghetti.

3. Overly-specific gadgets:

Do you need an avocado saver? How about a banana-guard to keep your precious little banana from getting bruised? Or a tea bag squeezer (yes that's a real thing) to get every last drop of squeezin's out of your bag? 

The answer is overwhelmingly NO. 

4. Microwave cookware:

The microwave is best used for quick reheating/defrosting, or when you're not sober enough to safely operate the stove. Making actual meals in the microwave is just depressing. Look at that image above. That's the saddest bacon ever right there. It's like something the cops would find in the kitchen while investigating your suicide.

5. Pod-style coffeemakers:

"Hey, I know! Let's create more waste, cut down on efficiency with one cup at a time, and make it ludicrously expensive!" - the shitbirds at Tassimo and Keurig

Until next time. 

-M

For Most Excellent Cookery

Several years of professional cooking as well as a stint in culinary school mean that the kitchen is where I spend a good portion of my time. I don't cook for a living anymore, which has made it that much more enjoyable and relaxing (especially not being forced to participate in the crime of cooking a steak to well-done...but that's a rant for another day).

Spending so much time in the kitchen means that I need to have the stuff I need to get shit done. Sub-standard equipment will turn a hobby into a chore, and superfluous gadgets just clutter up the space I need to  accomplish food-wizardry. Therefore, to start, here's a list of my most essential kitchen things:

Things I Love:

1. Good knives! 

(This particular knife actually belongs to my dear partner, but I use it all the time so whatevs) A good knife is sharp, versatile and comfortable to use. I have a set of Victorinox knives from culinary school which are okay but made of fairly soft steel, so they get dull very fast. That's where this little guy comes in. Global's knives stay sharp for a ridiculously long time, and this santoku-style chef's knife is a little bit shorter and more manageable than a typical 10-inch blade. We've got 3 different Global knives and all could use sharpening, but it's been over 3 freakin' years since they were initially purchased and they're still sharp enough to do most things, whereas my school knives have to be re-honed constantly. Get one of these, a paring knife, and a big serrated knife, and you'll be set.

2. Food Processor:

My food processor is probably at least 10-15 years old; that's it in the picture. It's loud and ugly but DAMN does it work well. My mum passed it along to me many years ago, and I'd be lost without it. A decent food processor is one of the best small appliances you can get if you're both ambitious and lazy. Having the slicing and grating attachments makes it so much easier to shred potatoes for latkes or thinly slice them for scalloped potatoes. I'm sure there are non-potato uses as well but this is the best thing I know of for speeding up the process of getting delicious carbs into my face.

3. Coffee Grinder:

Fresh-ground coffee kicks ass. If you buy shit like Folger's, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave and not come back until you've tried a REAL cup of coffee. Pick up a grinder, they're only $15-20 for a basic one, and grind your own damn beans. 

Also, you can use these things for more than just coffee. Buy whole spices and mulch them up as-needed (I've got a second grinder for this purpose so I don't get unwanted flavours all up in my beans). Basically the message here is: buy whole things, and grind them for maximum flavour. 

4. Parchment Paper:

This is something you should always have on hand, because it's as useful as plastic wrap or foil but has many more applications. Wax paper is for chumps, parchment is the paper you need. Nothing sticks to it, because it's coated in silicone. You can put it on baking sheets instead of greasing them, which means one less thing to wash later. You can fold it into a piping bag and ice a cake with it. You can fold it into little packets with food inside, and it'll trap all the flavours and steam. You can use pieces of it to separate layers of frozen stuff so a jackhammer isn't required to pry apart portions. It'll make cooking easier, so go get some!

5. Dishwasher:

Okay, so not everyone has one of these babies. If you don't, consider bribing those who co-habit with you to wash the dishes in exchange for delicious food. If bribery doesn't work, a golf cart battery wired to their nipples with a jolt every 30 seconds should do the trick. 

Considering how much I cook, I would spend twice as much time washing dishes. I don't have time to scrub pots and pans, I've got wine to drink and a cat to annoy. For years I lived in character buildings with tiny kitchen sinks, and when I could be arsed to wash the dishes, it would take FOREVER. If I could hug anything in my kitchen, it would be the dishwasher (probably a good thing, then, that it's built into the cupboards where I can't get my arms around it, because I might look a little bit insane). This thing even has a high-heat sanitary rinse for sterilizing wine bottles (an important function for the making of more wine). Now that I've got a dishwasher, I don't know if I could go back to life without one. 

-M

Coming up on the next list: Least-Essential Kitchen Crap That You Shouldn't Waste Your Beer-Money On.

Welcome!

So this is my newest outlet for sharing my thoughts, recipes and other things that usually stay tucked inside my head. 

Over time I hope this will evolve into a blog with more structured content rather than a lot of willy-nilly ranting and raving. It will be mostly food-related with a bent towards history (combining my two greatest passions outside of drinking wine and watching cartoons in my underpants). I swear I'll knit it all together somehow to provide something semi-coherent.

In any case, thanks for stopping by!